When 'self-care' turns toxic

A disclaimer before we begin: self-care is vital. It is imperative that we look after ourselves, and even more importantly, consider ourselves worthy of looking after in the first place. I always ask my clients what activities or practices they engage in in order to feel calmer, balanced and like a well-rounded human being. What they do to feel more like themselves. I encourage them to fit some aspects of self-care in whenever possible. 

But what exactly is self-care? Has the important message that we should all prioritise time to meet our own needs been lost somewhere along the way, Instagram-ified, commodified and entangled with consumer culture? The phrase ‘self-care’ tends to conjure visions of spa days, manicures and slim white women sipping on matcha lattes whilst wearing expensive yoga pants. In fact, when typing the phrase ‘self-care’, I’m offered emoji suggestions of a haircut, a steam room and a head massage. I’m not suggesting there’s anything wrong with these activities, and they are important aspects of self-care for some. I happen to love a matcha latte for example, and treatments such as massages can really help us to connect with our body. However it is important to remind ourselves that the concept goes much deeper, beyond simply ‘treating’ ourselves to consumer goods in order to feel (or look) a certain prescribed, socially acceptable way. 

At the very heart of person-centred therapy is the idea that throughout our life we are changing, growing and developing towards our best, authentic self. Self-care is a really important part of this journey. But who decided that everyone’s ‘best self’ needs to include green juice and pilates?! Moreover, in addition to promoting an affluent and privileged version of what ‘wellness’ should look like, this stereotype leans heavily towards what society deems to be ‘feminine’. Does this exclude men and non-binary folks- communities that statistically tend to have higher than average rates of mental health difficulties- from engaging with self-care, along with those who may experience economic or social disadvantage?

Self-care can mean being easy on ourselves, but sometimes it means getting tough. Some days it might mean a lazy lie in and breakfast in bed, but other days it might mean pushing yourself to have that difficult and awkward conversation with HR about an over-due and well-deserved pay rise. Self-care isn’t always easy, and it doesn’t always feel nice. It looks different for everyone, and will look different week to week, day to day in order to meet our individual and changing needs. It means reflecting on what those needs are for you; taking time to consider what feels authentic to you, and not what society tells you you should aspire to.